TURN OFF THE NEWS....

TURN OFF THE NEWS....... It's because of the way the media reports it. Flip on the news and watch how we treat the Batman theater shooter and the Oregon mall shooter like celebrities. Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris are household names, but do you know the name of a single *victim* of Columbine? Disturbed people who would otherwise just off themselves in their basements see the news and want to top it by doing something worse, and going out in a memorable way. Why a grade school? Why children? Because he'll be remembered as a horrible monster, instead of a sad nobody. CNN's article says that if the body count "holds up", this will rank as the second deadliest shooting behind Virginia Tech, as if statistics somehow make one shooting worse than another. Then they post a video interview of third-graders for all the details of what they saw and heard while the shootings were happening. Fox News has plastered the killer's face on all their reports for hours. Any articles or news stories yet that focus on the victims and ignore the killer's identity? None that I've seen yet. Because they don't sell. So congratulations, sensationalist media, you've just lit the fire for someone to top this and knock off a day care center or a maternity ward next. You can help by forgetting you ever read this man's name, and remembering the name of at least one victim. You can help by donating to mental health research instead of pointing to gun control as the problem. You can help by turning off the news." Rest in Peace little ones... LOVE & LIGHT surround you...

HILARIOUS Craigslist Ad... Awesome.

It looks like someone in Seattle is selling a yoga mat for $1. The mat was only used once and comes along with this hilarious usage timeline detailing the seller's experience in a hot yoga class. (I must meet this hilariously awesome dude...).

Yoga mat for sale. Used once. - $1 (Bellevue)

Yoga mat for sale. Used once at lunch hour class in December 2009. Usage timeline as follows:

11:45a
Register for hot yoga class. Infinite wisdom tells me to commit to 5 class package and purchase a yoga mat. I pay $89.74. Money well spent, I smugly confirm to myself.

11:55a
Open door to yoga room. A gush of hot dry air rushes through and past me. It smells of breath, sweat and hot. Take spot on floor in back of room next to cute blonde. We will date.

11:57a
I feel the need to be as near to naked as possible. This is a problem because of the hot blonde to my left and our pending courtship. She will not be pleased to learn that I need to lose 30 pounds before I propose to her.

11:58a
The shirt and sweats have to come off. I throw caution to the wind and decide to rely on my wit and conditioning to overcome any weight issues my fiancée may take issue with. This will take a lot of wit and conditioning.

11:59a
Begin small talk with my bride to be. She pretends to ignore me but I know how she can be. I allow her to concentrate and stare straight ahead and continue to pretend that I don't exist. As we finish sharing our special moment, I am suddenly aware of a sweat moustache that has formed below my nose. This must be from the all the whispering between us.

12:00p
Instructor enters the room and ascends her special podium at the front of the room. She is a slight, agitated Chinese woman. She introduces me to the class and everyone turns around to greet me just as I decide to aggressively adjust my penis and testes packed in my Under Armor. My bride is notably unfazed.

12:02p
Since I do have experience with Hot Yoga (4 sessions just 5 short years ago) I fully consider that I may be so outstanding and skilled that my instructor may call me out and ask me to guide the class. My wife will look on with a sparkle in her eye. We will make love after class.

12:10p
It is now up to 95 degrees in the room. We have been practicing deep breathing exercises for the last 8 minutes. This would not be a problem if we were all breathing actual, you know, oxygen. Instead, we are breathing each other's body odor, expelled carbon dioxide and other unmentionables. (Don't worry, I'll mention them later.)

12:26p
It is now 100 degrees and I take notice of the humidity, which is hovering at about 90%. I feel the familiar adorning stare of my bride and decide to look back at her. She appears to be nauseated. I then realize that I forgot to brush my teeth prior to attending this class. We bond.

12:33p
It is now 110 degrees and 95% humidity. I am now balancing on one leg with the other leg crossed over the other. My arms are intertwined and I am squatting. The last time I was in this position was 44 years ago in the womb, but I'm in this for the long haul. My wife looks slightly weathered dripping sweat and her eyeliner is streaming down her face. Well, "for better or worse" is what we committed to so we press on.

12:40p
The overweight Hispanic man two spots over has sweat running down his legs. At least I think its sweat. He is holding every position and has not had a sip of water since we walked in. He is making me look bad and I hate him.

12:44p
I consider that if anyone in this room farted that we would all certainly perish.

12:52p
It is now 140 degrees and 100% humidity. I am covered from head to toe in sweat. There is not a square millimeter on my body that is not slippery and sweaty. I am so slimy that I feel like a sea lion or a maybe sea eel. Not even a bear trap could hold me. The sweat is stinging my eyeballs and I can no longer see.

12:55p
This room stinks of asparagus, cloves, tuna and tacos. There is no food in the room. I realize that this is an amalgamation of the body odors of 30 people in a 140 degree room for the last 55 minutes. Seriously, enough with the asparagus, ok?

1:01p
140 degrees and 130% humidity. Look, bitch, I need my space here so don't get all pissy with me if I accidentally sprayed you with sweat as I flipped over. Seriously, is that where this relationship is going? Get over yourself. We need counseling and she needs to be medicated. Stat!

1:09p
150 degrees and cloudy. And hot. I can no longer move my limbs on my own. I have given up on attempting any of the commands this Chinese chick is yelling out at us. I will lay sedentary until the aid unit arrives. I will buy this building and then have it destroyed.
I lose consciousness.

1:15p
I have a headache and my wife is being a selfish bitch. I can't really breathe. All I can think about is holding a cup worth of hot sand in my mouth. I cannot remember what an ice cube is and cannot remember what snow looks like. I consider that my only escape might be a crab walk across 15 bodies and then out of the room. I am paralyzed, and may never walk again so the whole crab walk thing is pretty much out.

1:17p
I cannot move at all and cannot reach my water. Is breathing voluntary or involuntary? If it's voluntary, I am screwed. I stopped participating in the class 20 minutes ago. Hey, lady! I paid for this frickin class, ok?! You work for me! Stop yelling at everyone and just tell us a story or something. It's like juice and cracker time, ok?

1:20p
It is now 165 degrees and moisture is dripping from the ceiling. The towel that I am laying on is no longer providing any wicking or drying properties. It is actually placing additional sweat on me as I touch it. My towel reeks. I cannot identify the smell but no way can it be from me. Did someone spray some stank on my towel or something?

1:30p
Torture session is over. I wish hateful things upon the instructor. She graciously allows us to stay and 'cool down' in the room. It is 175 degrees. Who cools down in 175 degrees? A Komodo Dragon? My wife has left the room. Probably to throw up.

1:34p
My opportunity to escape has arrived. I roll over to my stomach and press up to my knees. It is warmer as I rise up from ground level - probably by 15 degrees. So let's conservatively say it's 190. I muster my final energy and slowly rise. One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other. Towards the door. Towards the door.

1:37p
The temperature in the lobby is 72 degrees. Both nipples stiffen to diamond strength and my penis begins to retract into my abdomen from the 100 degree temp swing. I can once again breathe though so I am pleased. I spot my future ex wife in the lobby. We had such a good thing going but I know that no measure of counseling will be able to unravel the day's turmoil and mental scaring.

1:47p
Arrive at Emerald City Smoothie and proceed to order a 32 oz beverage. 402 calories, 0 fat and 14 grams of protein -- effectively negating any caloric burn or benefit from the last 90 minutes. I finish it in 3 minutes and spend the next 2 hours writing this memoir.

3:47p
Create Craigslist ad while burning final 2 grams of protein from Smoothie and before the "shakes" consume my body.

4:29p
Note to self - check car for missing wet yoga towel in am.

Guide to decoding 'Guy Speak'

Granted men are much less of a mystery to women than women are to men. Men typically speak very plainly and honestly, except when trying to get you to sleep with them, then all bets are off. It isn’t that men are inarticulate oafs, they just speak plainly and lack the ability to candy coat their words like women do so effortlessly. Where men get into trouble is when they try to communicate to a woman, like a woman. Men do this because most men have learned early that if they speak to a woman like a man, straight-from-the-hip, they can expect swift and painful consequences. Most women know the truth about what a man means, we just prefer that the truth not be served raw on a verbal silver platter. For the most part, there is very little variance between what men say and what they really mean; however, there are times when things communicated by a man get lost in translation.

Man’s Speak:

I’m hungry = I’m hungry
Maybe = Yes, if I get sex tonight
We need to talk = I’m breaking up with you
I’m tired = I’m tired but can still have sex
I’m sorry = Can we still have sex?
You know, you’re right = I still think I’m right but I want to have sex later
Nice dress = Nice ass/cleavage, can we have sex?
I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
May I have this dance = I want to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime = I want to have sex with you
Do you want to go to a movie = I want to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner sometime = I want to have sex with you
I love you = I want to have sex with you…now
I put new tires on your car = I love you

The Sharktopus Trailer Should Win The Nobel Prize For Awesome

With all the rockin' movies the past year or so, and admittedly each having its own tent in Awesome City, I feel I must warn you that the small screen's most exciting movie event of the spring just molested my eyes with its tentacles in the new trailer for SyFy's Sharktopus.

As you may recall the film is set to star none other than Mickey Rourke's good buddy Eric Roberts as a research scientist that develops a secret military weapon that is Sharktopus. As with all great movies about a hybrid shark/octupus, the weapon breaks free of control only to wreak havoc on the beaches of Mexico. Why Mexico? Little know fact but Sharktopus loves Tecate, and really, who doesn't? No release date as of yet but will let you know as soon as I do.

I'm not sure who to thank for the best trailer ever besides Tony Danza and the SyFy channel, but whoever is responsible for the amazing theme song should not go unnoticed.

So, Joaquin IS still here...and SANE!

So, Casey Affleck wants to come clean....

His new movie, 'I’m Still Here,' was performance. Almost every bit of it. Including Joaquin Phoenix’s disturbing appearance on David Letterman’s late-night show in 2009, Affleck said in a candid interview at a cafe here Thursday morning.

'It’s a terrific performance; it’s the performance of his career,' Affleck said.

He was speaking of Phoenix’s two-year portrayal of himself – on screen and off – as a bearded, drug-addled aspiring rap star, who, as Affleck tells it, put his professional life on the line to star in a bit of 'gonzo filmmaking' modeled on the reality-bending journalism of Hunter S. Thompson.

'I’m Still Here' was released last week by Magnolia Pictures to scathing reviews by a number of critics, including Roger Ebert, who wrote that the film was 'a sad and painful documentary that serves little useful purpose other than to pound another nail into the coffin.'

'The reviews were so angry,' said Affleck, who attributed much of the hostility to his own long silence about a film that left more than a few viewers wondering what was real – The drugs? The hookers? The childhood home-movie sequences in the beginning? – and what was not.

Virtually none of it was real. Not even the opening shots, supposedly of Phoenix and his siblings swimming in a water hole in Panama. That, Affleck said, was actually shot in Hawaii with actors, then run back and forth on top of an old videocassette recording of “Paris, Texas” to degrade the images.

'I never intended to trick anybody,' said Affleck, an intense 35-year-old who spoke over a meat-free, cheese-free vegetable sandwich. “The idea of a quote, hoax, unquote, never entered my mind.”

Still, he acknowledged that Letterman was not in on the joke when Phoenix, on Feb. 11, 2009, seemed to implode his own career by showing up in character as a mumbling, aimless star gone wrong.

That was just three years after he had received an Oscar nomination for his spot-on performance as Johnny Cash in “Walk the Line,” and memories of the film were fresh enough to induce shock in the millions who watched him on the show and in later Internet replays.

Letterman summed up the interview: 'Joaquin, I’m sorry you couldn’t be here tonight.'

Asked whether Phoenix would be in character for his return to Letterman’s program Wednesday, Affleck said, 'No, no, no.' And Letterman has not talked with Phoenix about the coming appearance, he added. Most mockumentaries, in the way of 'This Is Spinal Tap,' wear their foolishness on their sleeves, leaving no doubt about their character as fiction. But Affleck, who is married to Phoenix’s sister and has been his friend for almost 20 years, said he wanted audiences to experience the film’s narrative, about the disintegration of celebrity, without the clutter of preconceived notions.

So he said little in interviews.

'We wanted to create a space,' he said. 'You believe what’s happening is real.'

As the film progresses, Affleck explained, subtle cues were supposed to provide hints of his real intention. Camera techniques, extremely raw at the beginning, become more sophisticated as the film goes on, for instance.

'There were multiple takes; these are performances,' Affleck said of unsettling sequences in which Phoenix appears to snort drugs, consort with hookers and hunt to the ground an assistant who has betrayed him to the media – again, mostly actors.

But the movie never quite showed its hand.

'There was no wink,' Affleck said.

One of the trickier elements was to win the cooperation of Phoenix’s agent, Patrick Whitesell, of William Morris Endeavor Entertainment. On telling Whitesell that he planned to make everybody believe that a prized client 'has lost his mind and make him as unattractive as possible, you would think he would have me killed immediately,' Affleck said.

But Whitesell, instead, took a part in the film.

Phoenix’s unconventional background may have helped convince some that the film was true. Now 35, he was one of five children in a free-spirited family that bounced from life in a religious cult through a time when the siblings worked as street performers. Phoenix’s brother River, also an actor, died of a drug overdose in 1993. His sister Summer eventually married Affleck.

In the film Phoenix is often called 'J.P.,' both an attempt at a rap stage name and the inevitable shorthand of a star’s inner world. At one point in the film Phoenix howls at his crew in exasperation: “J.P. is all of us.”

As Affleck now makes clear, he is actually none of us – which is something of a relief.

But Phoenix may now have his work cut out for him when it comes to repairing an image that was marred by what Affleck portrays as his best performance. The Los Angeles Times reported this week that Phoenix, who makes much of abandoning his screen career in the film, is fielding offers for new roles.

Affleck, for his part, will return to acting for a while, probably in a film for Andrew Dominik, who directed 'The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford,' for which Affleck received an Oscar nomination.

At least one element in the film was genuine, Affleck said. That was a snippet of a home movie that showed Phoenix and his very young siblings performing, Jackson Five style, on the streets of Los Angeles.

The rest, Affleck said, clearly requires a bit more understanding than he has allowed the viewers to date.

“It is a hard movie to watch,” he said.

G20 protests n' beatings...

June 26, 2010, Toronto, Ontario-After a large march and rally against the meeting of the G20, police attacked a crowd of peaceful protesters in Queens Park. The following clip shows police attacking and arresting protesters. At 1:02, video journalist Brandon Jourdan is thrown to the ground and beaten by police while shooting video.

wait, who the hell is THEY?

So here is something I wonder... Why do people always want to give you advice by saying....'you know what THEY say.'........ Who the f*ck is 'THEY'? Who gets to be in this group who hands out information like, 'you shouldn't swim for 30 minutes after you eat...' I feel like saying...'listen 'THEY', don't tell me how to live my life.' Wait, how does one get to be a part of this 'THEY'? Do you have to try out? Is it a special club? Do I have to apply? Can I get a student loan for this? Or maybe I too can just start my own fascist regime of sorts where I can just start handing out random information under the guise of 'THEY'. Yeah - that's it!!! Like, 'you know what 'THEY' say, you should give me a dollar every time I give you advice' or 'you know what 'THEY' say, honking too much can mess up your car' 'you know what 'THEY' say, picking your nose can give you nose herpes'...really, anything - no matter how random, could be used.

Why Are You Single?

Why are you single? The Dreaded Question! This is the question that not only single people ask themselves, but usually their friends who are in relationships will inject politely into a conversation (and its always annoying). Generally the answer is as simple as it is complex. And wow isn’t that a stupid answer?

I’ll elaborate, my situation for instance I am a stand up comedian and that means I’m on the road for at least half the year. This can be is easily relatable to people who work long hours or who also go out of town for business. These schedules are more common in today’s world and require a special kind of partner, one who feels that absence makes the heart grow fonder. And also in my situation it’s important to me that this special kind of lady has a nice booty.

So in this case we have two hurdles, the fact I have a less then desirable personal availability combined with the fact that I’m picky when it comes to booty. Just sheer statistics I’m cutting out many possible candidates.

Lets say you have no problems meeting people, but you have problems expanding a relationship past that. Maybe you are committing some of these major dating mistakes.

Major dating mistakes AKA Date Killers:

1. You are smelly: Maybe you have bad breath or Body odor problems or even overpowering cologne. And now you must realize that scent is the closest sense tied to memory. Its some Mammalian reflex linked into our survival instincts; it just means that if you stink people can’t live with you. It can be hard to realize you stink, especially if you have bad breath. If there is any doubt gargle with mouth wash and Febreeze your armpits.


2. You are too opinionated: Everybody should have an opinion, but not everyone should express it. Remember very few people like a know it all but everyone loves a good listener. Score big points for calling back to points your date mentioned earlier on in the conversation (don’t take it overboard)Too Much Opinion.


3. You have too much baggage: We all have our demons in the closet and we all have regrets. But follow what are Grandparents use to do, take most of your secrets to the grave and die with a full closet. I’m just saying wait until you’re a few dates in before you mentions how your last partner cheated on you, and how you still share a dog together. How many cats do you have?


4. You are cheap: Guess why Scrooge was alone? Because he didn’t share the wealth, don’t wait for the ghost of Christmas past to come a knocking. If you are broke find ways around having to spend money, its called being romantic. It was invented by guys who had no money. Take your date for a walk in the park and have a picnic or even better make them a collage out of old magazine clippings and seashells (I’m kidding crafts are creepy).

5. You are too picky: Sometimes you have to realize that you’re not Brad Pitt. You’ll have to find beauty in places that you’re not accustomed. Try focusing on the positive; like she’s 300lbs but wow those are skinny wrists. An emotional connection is harder to find than a physical one, so remember that when it comes time to decide on the next date.

6. You are boring: Pick it up a bit; if you spend all of your time starring at the TV then what you need is an exciting hobby. Take up skydiving or scuba diving, anything with the word diving in the title should do the trick (muff diving?).

You are putting me to sleep!

7. You are constantly correcting people: (see you are too opinionated). There is no need to express your superiority of the English language or your expansive knowledge of table etiquette. That’s what marriage is for, that’s when its time to try and change someone. But for the dating stages of the relationship just make a note and deal with it later.

8. You bring your own cheese: I know they always charge you extra for the cheese, and it is usually some processed product that sucks. But it’s embarrassing carrying around an assortment of cheeses, especially for that initial dating period; leave that small fanny pack filled with deliciousness at home.

Fanny pack! oh my. In Europe they call it a bum bag... weirdos.

Thanks goes to - www.JamesTheComic.com
-A blog with thousands of surprises.

Redwings deal with early-exit pain...

The feeling by many in hockey circles over the past few days was that if anybody could overcome a 3-0 deficit in a best-of-seven series, the Red Wings were that team.

They took one small step on Thursday night with a 7-1 demolition of the San Jose Sharks at Joe Louis Arena. On Saturday, in one of the more hostile atmospheres in the league, the Red Wings weathered an early storm as they were outshot 15-6 in the opening period -- and when Brian Rafalski gave Detroit a 1-0 lead just 2:40 into the second period, the feeling really began to gain steam. This awfully loud building became awfully quiet in a hurry.

But it wasn't meant to be.

In the end, the Red Wings were denied a fourth straight trip to the Western Conference finals after losing 2-1 to the San Jose Sharks in Game 5 at HP Pavilion. All four of Detroit's losses in the Western semifinals were by one goal. Sure, the Wings lost in five games, but it certainly didn't have that feel to it.

"It's tough when you fall short of your goal," Detroit captain Nicklas Lidstrom said. "We felt that we were in the series even when we were down 3-0. Going into the third period, we felt confident and had a chance to win the game. We just couldn't get it done."

It's somewhat stunning, considering this is a franchise that in recent years has always found a way to get it done. In the previous two years, the Red Wings' offseason was shorter than basically everyone else.

"We understand how hard it is to win every year," coach Mike Babcock said. "There's no question that year after year after year, we've played a ton of playoff games. That catches up. Our guys will have more time to work-out this summer than they've had in a long time. I think that will really help our high-end guys. Right now, it's a bitter pill to swallow. No one likes losing."

Detroit certainly doesn't, as evidenced by a remarkable push after the Olympic break just to get into playoff position in an extremely-tight Western Conference. But not only did the Red Wings reach the postseason for a 19th consecutive season, their second-half surge allowed them to finish as the No. 5 seed.

It's truly remarkable when you consider all they had to overcome, which included injuries to several key players, including Johan Franzen, who was limited to only 27 regular-season games due to a torn ACL, and Niklas Kronwall, who appeared in less than 50 contests.

"It's been a different season," forward Henrik Zetterberg said. "If you look back at the last three years, we have a different outcome. From the start this year, we had a lot of injuries and a lot of new faces on the team. But we found a way to get into the postseason. I think a lot of people doubted that we were going to make it, but we did. We gave it a good run, but it wasn't good enough."

"It wasn't good enough" are four words you rarely hear in this dressing room. Still, the Red Wings battled throughout the 2009-10 season and found a way to get past the first round despite having to win a seventh game in Phoenix -- a match they won by five goals. But in four of the five games played in Round 2, the Sharks -- the top seed on this side of the tournament -- were a goal better.

"It's been a different season … the injuries that we had to key players and being out of the playoffs for most of the year," Lidstrom said. "We battled through and finally got some guys back and got ourselves in the fifth spot in the playoffs. I thought we did play well in the first round. We battled hard and took Phoenix to seven games and beat them. It's disappointing when you fall short and it's only one-goal games that we lost."

Perhaps the longer break this summer will benefit the Red Wings, who need to retool considering several of their key players -- Lidstrom and Tomas Holmstrom included -- enter unrestricted free agency. Certainly, if Lidstrom decides against retirement, he'll be back.

If that's the case, he would be joined by several younger players -- Jimmy Howard and Justin Abdelkader immediately come to mind -- who took some major strides in 2009-10.

"We've had some huge growth from some young players," Babcock said. "Obviously, we had an unbelievable push just to get in the playoffs. You've got to give our guys credit. We'll be back trying to battle."

The fact that they're already discussing it shows the commitment of this unbelievably-proud organization.

"We refocus and get ready for next year," Zetterberg said. "We've got to come back stronger."

GO WINGS GO....STANLEY COMES HOME 2011/2012!

REDWING PRAYER...not that they need it... :p

HOCKEY PRAYER: Our Father, who art in Detroit, hockey be thy name. Thy will be done, the cup will be won, on ice, as well as in the stands. Give us this day, our hockey sticks, and forgive us our penalties as we forgive those who cross-check against us. Lead us not into elimination, but deliver us to victory. In the name of the fans, Lord Stanley, and in the name of the REDWINGS, Amen!
GO WINGS GO!!

CONGRATS on GAME 4...! Series tied 2-2

...Red Wings refocus for Game 4...

DETROIT – The Red Wings know their defense must improve in order to win Game 4 of the Western Conference quarterfinals and avoid a 3-1 deficit to the Phoenix Coyotes in their best-of-seven series.

Detroit was never able to pull ahead in Game 3, always either tied or trailing. That led them to make some offensive gambles they wouldn’t normally make to try gaining the lead, in both the game and the series.

Because of that, Wings captain Nicklas Lidstrom said Detroit’s defensemen let goaltender Jimmy Howard out to dry in Sunday’s 4-2 loss to the Phoenix Coyotes.

“They had some three-on-twos late in the game, where we’re gambling a little bit, trying to create some chances offensively,” Lidstrom said. “And by doing that, we’re losing our third guy high and they have three-on-twos or even two-on-ones against us. We kind of let (Howard) out to dry on a couple of chances like that.”

Howard allowed four goals on 29 shots, and he said he would liked to have “three of them back.” Of those three, it was the fourth goal scored by Radim Vrbrata on a rush with Matthew Lombardi that stood out for Howard.

“I just couldn't reach for it,” he said. “Just an untimely goal. In the playoffs, those kill you.”

The Wings know they have to limit the odd-man rushes that Phoenix had on Sunday. They also know that they must do an all-around better job of taking care of business in their own end.

But Lidstrom pointed out that overall, it was a combination of the Wings’ defensive play and the intense effort the Coyotes put forth.

“You want to do a better job helping (Howard) out, clearing players out of there or getting the rebounds out of there,” Lidstrom said.

“But it looked like they were shooting the puck a lot more, going to the net a lot harder than they did in Game 2.”

Wings coach Mike Babcock said he didn’t consider replacing Howard, a likely finalist for the Calder Trophy as the NHL’s top rookie, with veteran netminder Chris Osgood.

“Never thought about it all,” Babcock said.

The Wings came to play in the first period, but it was the second period that was the turning point of the game. Once the Coyotes gained the lead for good halfway through the third period, they were able to contain all the offensive pressure the Wings could muster.

“They kind of set the tone in the second period. We didn’t respond well,” Lidstrom said.

“In the third period, they were backing off a lot more, not really forechecking hard, but having five guys in the neutral zone slowing us down.”

Despite Sunday’s loss, the Wings have put the game behind him and are ready to come out Tuesday with a better effort. A Game 4 win would even the series at two, and Detroit will be playing in front of their home crowd at Joe Louis Arena.

“We just got to refocus and get ready for Game 4, and approach it like we did in Game 2,” said defenseman Brian Rafalski.

Rafalski, who makes up the top defensive pairing with Lidstrom, briefly left Sunday’s game with lower back pain. He returned to play 23-minutes, but sat out Monday’s practice.

“Raffi had a maintenance day, and we expect him to be fine,” Babcock said.


All's I can say is... 'GO WINGS GO - LET'S GIT ER' DONE BOYS!!'

...this kid is awesomely edumacated...

...How to speak Canadian eh...

Very soon, Vancouver will welcome the world to the 2010 Olympic Games, and many visitors will be surprised to hear a foreign language. Here’s what you need to know about speaking “Canadian.”

Like the country itself, Canadian English suffers from a bit of an identity crisis: Do we speak the tongue of our British heritage? Or do we employ the vernacular of our closest geographical and cultural neighbour, the United States?

And in quintessentially Canadian fashion, we’ve come up with an offend-no-one resolution: a little deference, a little defiance. Canadian English is the bastard child of a queen and a cowboy.

We honour the monarchy by minding our p’s and q’s, and in using u’s in words like “labour” and “flavour.” In Canada, you enter the “centre” and catch a feature at the “theatre.”

The last letter of the alphabet retains its British pronunciation yet appears American in words like “organize” and “realize” – but we draw the line at calling the bearded Texas rock band “ZedZed Top,” and for that we will not apologize.

We will, however, apologize for any number of other transgressions, real or perceived. We are, as our international reputation holds, a polite lot. You won’t visit many countries where the word “sorry” is interchangeable with “excuse me”: It can mean “Would you kindly step aside to allow me to get to my destination?” or “Thank you for allowing me by to get to my destination” and also “Oh, my, it appears I’ve just walked past you on my way to my destination.”

Our currency is as colourful in name as it is in appearance. The “loonie” is a gold-tone $1 coin depicting that Canadian cottage-country icon, the loon. The $2 coin is bi-metallic (gold- and silver-tone) and is called a “toonie.”

These will come in handy when you go to buy a “two-four.” Having nothing to do with Jack Bauer, this is the largest denomination of bottles you can get in a case of beer. And in most of Canada they are sold by the government. In Ontario, where I live, no one wanted to waste precious happy-hour time ($2 drafts!) coming up with some fancy name, so they just called it The Beer Store. There are 450 of them in the province; there are about 400 Starbucks in the whole country. We have our priorities straight.

You’ve surely heard of Canadians’ love affair with beer? We’ve even unofficially named a holiday after it: Queen Victoria’s birthday, which is May 24th, is known as the “May Two-Four” long weekend. Many two-fours are consumed.

That white stuff on the ground? That’s called “snow.” And we only have one word for it. But you will most certainly hear about the “wind-chill,” a formula employed by weather forecasters to distinguish between amputation-is-imminent cold or simply freeze-your-arse-off cold. This is also a good way to know whether or not you’ll need to wear your “toque” (knitted hat worn in winter by many, worn all year round if you’re an emo kid).

Our (unofficial) national sport is not called “ice hockey,” just plain old “hockey” – ice is the default. Variations include ball hockey, road hockey, field hockey, air hockey and the two months of the year called “the off-season.”

And (Americans, take note), “rout” is what my hockey team does to your hockey team. “Route” – pronounced root – is the path to the nearest donut shop.

Speaking of donuts, they are our national pastry. The French have croissants; we have maple-glazed. For best results, pair one with a “double-double” (coffee with two creams and two sugars). To sound like a real Canuck, say you want to go to “Timmy’s” (Tim Hortons) to get it. Bring back a box of “Timbits” (donut holes), and you’re as golden as a loonie.

On behalf of all the hosers, welcome to Canada, eh.

cellphone companies SUCK BALLS!

...'this is my letter to FIDO (via the website) to them, as i'm currently still trying to get my cell to be fixed - i've been on the phone now almost 90 minutes'...

yes, i have a really big problem - ESPECIALLY with the technical support operators. you know, i've been a customer with fido for many years and i've had nothing but trouble and i'm to the point where i'm ready to walk away from you and the horrible customer/tech support i continue to face EVERYTIME i call. i can't tell you how many times i've called to have tech support on a new phone that should be working and be told by your operators that it must be something I'M doing wrong and that there is no possible way that the problems i'm facing could occur. it's ridiculous. i've been currently on the this morning for over an hour with different reps...not only have i been on the phone with them this long i've had to constantly repeat myself over and over again about the same problems... don't you guys communicate with one another? do you know how frustrating it is to keep repeating myself, over and over again, and then - told i'm the one with the problem?! 2 words comes to mind when i'm talking to you...the first one starts with an F and the second starts with a Y. you figure it out. i'm now still currently on the phone with your 'top notch' customer/service and yes, i am being sarcastic, it's over 65 minutes and counting. and still, not one person has helped me or fixed this stupid phone. great job fido. well done. *eyeroll*

DINKY'S NOT HAPPY.... DINKY WILL SMASH!

...genius and the lure of young flesh...

Until recently, in the western world, the right of a Great Man to man-handle a reluctant, pliant young woman was simply not questioned. With the advent of sexual harassment laws, the old order is under attack. It won't go down easily. Novels by and about angry and accused men have been written about unfortunate incidents, movies made. J.M Coetzee's Disgrace, Philip Roth's The Human Stain, even Zadie Smith's On Beauty, tend to greater or lesser degree to sympathize with the accused. These Great Men, it seems, are helpless against their urges. In fact, their genius may well depend upon their consummated desires, and young women are fuel for the fires of their brilliance. And in the end, they are really willing minxes, whether they know it yet or not.

Supporters of the brilliant director are many, and they generally come from the intellectual, artistic world. Their cries of outrage are on this website today, including a petition from that great French feminist, Bernard Henri Levy, signed by equally well-known advocates of women as Salman Rushdie, Mike Nichols, Claude Lanzmann, Diane von Furstenburg (OK, the DVF wrap dress should be considered a great advancement for women).

To these artists and other supporters of the arrested director, the incarceration of the director is the end of a witch-hunt, the persecution of a genius by low-level, un-imaginative legal drones, who wear un-cool suits and wouldn't know a semiotic deconstruction if it smacked them in the face. If Polanski did anything wrong, and some, I think, would even say he did not, he should be forgiven for a single folly, committed way back in the 'lude' and hot-tub heyday of 1970s Hollywood debauchery. The rape of a 13-year old was hardly the worst offense committed at Jack Nicholson's pad.

By this way of thinking, to arrest Polanski now is like arresting a woman for riding a bicycle in public because it was illegal in the 19th Century. But, to arrest Polanski now is also like apprehending a war criminal many years after the fact. The war criminal may be living in South America, tending his garden and making sheep's cheese, and his victims blissfully reaching the age of non compos mentis, but it means something to the world that justice be served.

Comparing a Hollywood child rape to war criminal behavior will inspire outrage, guffaws, ridicule. Bring it on. But first, let's consider this fact: women are dying at the hands of male partners around the world at a greater rate than cancer and heart disease. Sexual violence is endemic on the planet. Some studies in Europe say 50 percent of women have been abused before they become adults.

There will be supporters of the Great Man who say that men and women are different, and that women simply don't have or can't comprehend the desires of men. The philandering middle-aged husband of a friend of mine comes to mind: he excused his romance with a younger woman by explaining that it was all about "the life force." It was the recovery of that force he craved, as much as an easy lay. For women, eternal youth lies not in the bed of a younger man, but at the end of a scalpel. Twisted, right? Where is the older, creative female genius arrested for seducing the boy? There they are: perverted school-teachers. And if you know about them it's because they are in jail. Mary Kay le Tourneau comes to mind. Look inside your hearts, women, and ask yourselves, do you secretly crave a 13-year-old boy? Maybe. The cultural taboo against such behavior is so strong that you maybe couldn't admit it if you did. Would you drug one to get him into bed? Hmm.

Great Men - and other men - sometimes do find pliant, young flesh irresistible. Geniuses are usually forgiven for it. It's a good bet Woody Allen won't be signing Henri-Levy's petition, but he could offer Roman some comfort in a jailhouse visit in Zurich about now. The Woodman's story has a happy ending. So do the sagas of the millions of wrinkled, calloused, old smelly geezers in places like Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia and Africa, where marriage of men 40 and older to girls at puberty is only just beginning to be considered locally - and only by a very, very few - to be, perhaps, not so healthy.

In the end, that is precisely why the arrest of Roman Polanski is a good idea, and should stand. It doesn't matter whether he is a genius. The world will have to live without his lifetime tribute ceremony, at least for a few months more. It doesn't matter whether his victim - 30-odd years on and handsomely paid off - forgives and wants to forget.

What matters is that the rape of a 13-year old girl, in a nation of laws, in a nation where women are striving for equality with men, in world where we are hundreds of years away from that right and good goal, be discouraged, by example if necessary.

....a film great, john hughes...RIP

In the mid-1980s, when Reagan was busy turning up the heat on the Cold War, America was being sabotaged by a Communist infiltrator who targeted our youth with saccharine commie propaganda aimed at leading the youth to revolution. I’m talking, of course, about this man: John Hughes.

Hughes is one of the filmmakers responsible for introducing the idea of high school as a microcosm of society, but while most filmmakers settle for exploring the cruelties of popularity, Hughes goes for all-out revolution. The man behind such teen angst classics like The Breakfast Club and Sixteen Candles may have seemed to be harmlessly soothing the pain of adolescence, but he was really implementing a Three Year Plan (1983-1986) whose goal was nothing short of overthrowing the capitalist system with hot teenage class warfare.

What is the theme of every John Hughes’ teen movie? Our differences are meaningless. We are all alike in that we are equally oppressed by adults and the capitalist system. It is our job as teens to put aside our superficial differences and band together to fight the bourgeois parents and fascist school administrators who enslave us, who selfishly profit from the oil of our pimples and try to turn us against each other by telling us to know our place and take out the trash.

He started out subtly, writing National Lampoon’s Vacation, seemingly a love-letter to the biggest monument to capitalism there is: the theme park. But what happens at the end of this bourgeois pilgrimage? Wallyworld is closed; the Griswolds have been exiled from the capitalist utopia. But do they sulk back to the suburbs of Chicago?

No, the Griswold family revolts against the establishment by breaking into the park and taking what’s theirs: a respite from work that allows them to pour their hard-earned money back into the coffers of industry. It’s a failed revolution, but it marks the first step in Hughes’ Three Year Plan.

It’s when Hughes gets a chance to direct that his true colors show Red. Sixteen Candles wants to be concerned with materials like birthday presents and purloined panties, but, like Pretty in Pink, it’s all about dating outside your class. By the end of the film, the Geek snags the prom queen, and Molly Ringwald wins the love of a petite bourgeoisie. Even Long Duc Dong and the girl with the neck brace get some action.

I know that Aristotle’s conception of comedy is supposed to end with everything in balance, but I don’t think either he or Marx were talking about equal distribution of booty.

In Weird Science, sexless computer nerds (read: the working class) realize what Marx had been saying all along: the workers control the means of production and should use it to their advantage. Of course, he didn’t mean cybernetically producing your own sex slave, but why get caught up in semantics? Gary and Wyatt use their superior technological skills to satisfy their desires, desires which society places outside their class. In doing so, they get the popular kids (read: the captains of industry) begging for their assistance.

What they learn in the film is not that wrenching control of society from the elite is bad; rather, through power, they find self-confidence. They may not be ruling the school at the end of the film, but they are certainly no longer shackled members of the proletariat. If their revolution seems failed or incomplete, that is only because Hughes’ Three Year Plan won’t reach maturity until 1986.

The Breakfast Club could be seen as Hughes’ October, or at least his Reds. In this film, the message is that, after one day in detention (read: the secondary school gulag), five oppressed teens realize that they are trapped in a bogus class system. The culture of high school has brainwashed them into thinking they are separated by a rigid class structure, when, in reality, they are all members of the same class: the proletariat. Despite what capitalist society has been telling them, they discover that they are all “a brain, an athlete, a basket case, a princess, and a criminal.” What do they do with this realization? They convene a party congress (read: getting high and dancing to “We Are Not Alone”) before writing a manifesto that they hand to the principal like it was the 95 Theses. Is it an accident that the last image of the film features John Bender—a Trotskyite if there ever was one—raising a revolutionary fist in the air? Absolutely not. This is a message to the oppressed teens in the audience, an image that calls for permanent revolution not in the world of the film, but in the real world. What else could “Don’t You Forget About Me” possibly mean?

But who will emerge from among the proletariat to lead them in a revolutionary uprising? Only one character in the Hughes oeuvre can shoulder such a burden: Ferris Bueller. In the last teen-angst film he directed, Hughes leaves his audience with a model leader, a Marxist Messiah. What teen in 1986 did not walk out of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off thinking that Ferris Bueller was the coolest film hero of all time? Why did we think he was so cool? Because he engages in open revolt against the system. But just what exactly is Ferris taking a day off from? Ferris Bueller is taking a day off from adolescent serfdom, and he wants all of us to join him. If John Hughes is Marx, then Ferris Bueller is his Lenin, perhaps even his Mao.

Bueller is the perfect leader because he transcends the illusory teenage social classes by appealing to every social strata: “the sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wasteoids, dweebies, dickheads—they all adore him; they think he’s a righteous dude.” He works well with one-on-one encounters, but he also is capable of leading mass demonstrations. Bueller embodies the cult of personality, and his followers, assuming that their Dear Leader is threatened, mount an underground campaign to save him, thus spreading Buellerism all over Shermer, Illinois. By the end of the film, these Buelleristas are an unstoppable force, and we get the strong impression that Ed Rooney and his ilk will soon be liquidated.

But Hughes’ revolution never took place, and Hughes himself all but went underground by 1991. But perhaps Hughes’ revolution took place in a different, more subtle way. Due to the success of Hughes’ films and other films of the time, the culture industry directed all its attention toward pleasing the proletariat. Therefore, rather than overthrowing the capitalist system, Hughes brought the system to its knees and forced it to address the needs of the proletariat. As a result, the adults placed cultural power in the hands of kids, and the culture industry has never been the same since; every piece of cultural material for mass consumption has as its target the fourteen-year-old male. Look at it one way, and it’s a successful revolution, a paradigm shift; look at it another way, and the struggle became a commodity within the very system it was attempting to overthrow. Either way, the revolutionary message of the film endures, even if its real-world advances do not.

In the end one can only say that he certainly made a large contribution to both art and society. His films will speak for themselves through time. He worked awfully hard and deserves remembrance.

...i heart you fallon....

lonelyfallon32 from Jimmy Fallon

jon stewart - I LOVE YOU....

Oh Jon, thanks for makin' my hump day tolerable....'let's make it rain bitches!' :p

http://watch.thecomedynetwork.ca/the-daily-show-with-jon-stewart/full-episodes/july-27-2009/#clip197717

suddenly, sarah palin’s farewell speech makes sense...

...it just needed the right delivery...

...the 'doctor' is in.....

I love this guy's health advices and outlook on life........



Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). Need grain? Eat chicken. And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain.......Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO.... Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.